This Is How I Do It

The other day a former boyfriend pointed out “how I am.” His assessment of the way I negotiate thru relationships was at first amusing. As I’ve reflected on what he said some morsels of truth have endured. I hold a belief that the foundation of what others think about us always has some grain of truth.

Here are a few constants that thread thru all my relationships.

The Before – I’m more like guys… Where girls bend and contort themselves to get into relationships and fit into the guy’s world. I do my thing and go on with life and let relationships come as they may. This can intimidate guys, having to make a move on a girl who’s not just sitting around watching him play video games and bating her eyes at him, a girl who has a life and is living it. If he’s not brave enough or he doesn’t want me enough to make that leap, he’s not for me!

The Beginning - So giving… I’m possibly too giving. I make my partners life easy, totally comfortable with a natural relaxed flow. Happily putting everything on myself and carrying it. Requiring very little of him… because I want to see what he voluntarily invest, what value he puts on our relationship, what he wants to contributes. During this time I reserve my heart for future judgment. If I deem him worthy, my heart is no longer mine it belongs fully and solely to him. Nothing, nothing, nothing could dissuade me away from him.

The End(s) –

1) If I realize he’s less than worthy… I’m out! This can be a problem for him because it feels like the end of the world. I made his life so easy that when I’m gone it’s hard for him to fill the chasm. For me life gets less complicated, thus making my transition easier.

2) If he becomes complacent in his role but expectant of me, I view this as the lack of value he’s putting on Us. To remind him relationships like plants die if not cared for is not my role. It’s like thinking… well you ate for a few years you shouldn’t need to eat anymore. All things deteriorate if not maintained. This is when I walk away and never look back.  I can seem heartless and unyielding because I won’t renegotiate, and I don’t do second chances. (Side note – Sometimes it’s a real problem when I’ve given my heart away then discover he’s not worth it, it can take years to recover. Part is pride and part is how fully I relinquish my heart).

I don't do post breakup makeups! 'Cause I know I'm the best thing you've ever had in your life.


That’s my pattern, my personal M.O.  

So after this chat with my ex I’ve been wondering if I should work on this. I’m not perfect, expecting someone else never to trip up seems unfair. But I also don’t want to compromise my values or expectations of my partner… Now I really don’t know what is right or what to do!